A Nigerian Journalist Chats With God
Original Author Unknown
Dear God, thank you for inviting me to your golden palace. I love it here already. I wish I could stay forever. Maybe, I can get a contract to build one of the streets of gold for you.
You are welcome my son. Don't get used to this place. You are only here for a chat. Now, what can I do for you?
Yes, dear Almighty, I've a burning question on my mind.
What is it, my dear son?
Why did you create the Nigerian?
Oh my son, that is a very good question that I, God Himself, cannot answer. I'm not sure myself. Many people have asked me that question.
Many people?
Yes.
Who are these people?
Foreigners who have died in Nigeria lured there by 419 scam artists. Most of them have asked why I created the Nigerian because they believe that you people are all corrupt.
Why do you say that?
You see, my son. There is a joke going around in heaven.
A joke?
Yes, my son, a joke about you people, Nigerians.
What is the joke?
Remember the song you used to sing when you were in primary and secondary school?
What song, my father?
The song about "All things bright and beautiful..."
Yes, my God, I remember the song very well. But what I don't understand is that how
is that a joke?
Listen my son, this is the joke and I will sing the song for you.
Yes, please go ahead, heavenly father.
Listen carefully;
All things bright and beautiful All creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful And Nigerians ruined them all.
Oh, that was funny. You mean we Nigerians ruined your creation?
Yes, you people are very corrupt to the point that I'm thinking about finishing all your corrupt leaders as I did with Abacha.
That would be very nice, my God. Our leaders have finished us. I think most common Nigerians would welcome that. These our leaders are all corrupt. Look at what they did to Marshal Harry because of politics.
Yes, I knew of that even before it happened.
Who did it, my God?
I cannot tell you now, on judgement day, I will make them pay for their crimes.
Ok, my God, another question.
Yes, go ahead, my son.
Who killed Dele Giwa?
Ha, my son, you are very curious.
Yes God, every good journalist should be curious.
You know the killer of Giwa.
Who is that?
That is all I can say for now. On judgement day, I shall make sure that the murderer of Giwa also pays for his crimes.
My God, please tell me, is there a special place for the Nigerian in hell?
Yes, it's called Hell-Gate That is the Nigerian ghetto in hell. There are a lot of you people there already causing trouble for me and the angels. Even Satan is complaining about you people. You already have a bad reputation in hell.
What kind of trouble?
You people are sending emails to people on earth from hell telling them that you have millions of brimstones that you want to transfer to earth and asking them to send you money for the transfer. You people took out all the furnace and installed air conditioners everywhere. I also found out that you people installed big speakers and music systems and are having your "owambe" parties in your flowing agbada which I confess has kept the grounds of hell clean.
Is that so?
Yes, my son.
Also, some of your senators here are trying to impeach Satan. They have bribed all the demons to vote against him in a special impeachment session.
Why will they want to impeach Satan?
As you know, Satan controls everyone and everything in hell and you Nigerians always want power so you can embezzle.
But what can they embezzle in hell?
The firewood and the gasoline that fuels the fire so they can sell it on the black market in hell.
So hell has a black market?
Yes, and it is run by you people, Nigerians.
Oh, that is very funny, my God.
I'm glad you found it funny.
But, dear father, Nigeria has improved from being the most corrupt country to be the second most corrupt country behind Pakistan. You have got to give us some credit.
Well, my son, if I were you, I would not say that loud.
Why?
Didn't you Nigerians bribe the Pakistanis to take the first place on the list?
Father, I've another burning question on my mind.
What is that?
Please tell me, will an Igbo man ever be an elected president of Nigeria?
Yes, my son, but not until after the year 2020.
Very well. Will an Ijaw man from the Niger Delta ever become an elected president of Nigeria?
Yes, my son, but not in your lifetime.
Hmmm. One more question my God.
Go ahead, ask.
When will our National Assembly members stop their corrupt ways and pass a meaningful
bill that would actually improve the lives of Nigerians?
My son, that is a very tough question. I must consult with the angels on this one. Please
give me a few minutes.
Please, take all the time, my dear God.
My son, I've an answer for you.
What is it, dear Holy one?
Not ever!
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