Femi arrived in london for a vacation after living in Nigeria all his life.
He stayed with his aunty Fumni, for two months, but after six months the lazy boy refused to get a job and support himself.
Then one day, his aunty said, "look here, you dey come to dis london and u no give me rent money , no shopping money, no nothing, na wetin? What do u think this is? Look here ole boy, this is not Lagos, you dey hear, go and get your self a job, u dis lazy boy!!"
"Aunty, its not easy 'o', I de try to look for work, this is oyinbo's mans land. Dey no want to give me good job, dem say, i should clean toilet or wash dishes, and me, I can't take that, at all, at all. I no come here to do this type of thing 'o', me, I want a good job and have a flashy car and designer clothes like the other Yorubas that land for dis London".
"Oh really?", replied the Auntie, "I beg, go and find yourself a job!", throwing her slippers at him. "How do u
think I got where I am today? If u don't find something by the end of the week, u see the door, better know that when u leave it, u leave it for good!!!!"
"But aunty Fumni, begged Femi, waiting dey do u now? have pity on me, please 'o'."
"Move jo, commot for road and let me pass you dey hear!!!" she shouted with anger. "Make sure u get a job this week or else!"
Monday
Femi goes to the social security to sign on. No luck. no NI, (National Insurance Number), No references, No nothing which means no job so no money.
Tuesday
Femi tried to forge documents, 419 as u know it.
- Passport
- Birth certificate
- Job references and even
- His name!.
Wednesday
419 trick backfired.
Fraud inspector caught him and tried to call the police but he done a runner.
Thursday
Tried early morning job, but he kept missing the bus in the morning.
Friday
Tried to get a grant by going to college but he has to pay fees, but with what? So that was a useless idea.
Femi is running out of ideas, and he has only two days left.
Saturday
He managed to get a stolen credit card from a friend, but the card was cancelled b4 he got to the shop to use it.
Sunday
Last day!
Yes u guessed, desperate times means desperate measures.
have u guessed?
Yes, mini cabbing (very common for JJC'S in LONDON)
Femi went to a mini cab office to look for work. So he approached the oga, and said, "boss, i dey look for work 'o', do u have any jobs going?"
The old man replied, have u got a car? no, said Femi.
Okay, here's the deal, u know how to drive, do u?
Yes ke
Okay, this is is the deal. For the first two months, u can borrow one of our cars to start, until u get your
own, the rent is paid one week in advance. And under no circumstances can u not FAIL to pay your rent money.
Then a panicky look came across Femi's face," how the hell am I supposed to pay the oga as well as my auntie", he thought.
So is that a deal then? asked the boss? With no choice, Femi said yes.
Okay, we need to see your license said the boss. It's not with me, it's at home, but I live far away and wont be able to get it until next week.
Sorry mate no license, no job.
Oga, please 'o', I dey need this job, I'm desperate. Please 'o', Please 'o'. I dey have pikin and a wife to feed, please 'o', I beg u!!!!!!!!!
The boss took pity on him and said okay, but if there is any trouble, I'm going to call the police for u straight away, understood? And another thing, no misbehaving to the customers. That means no over charging, no swearing and no abusing.
O thank u, may de lord bless u and your family, while he was saying this, he was kissing the boss's hand and arse licking like a real professional moo-moo that just arrived from the village.
Oh thank u, sir, I will do a spectacular job for u 'o'. Anything you want me to do, I will do it for u sir. I will be the best on the job, u can count on it, by the grace of God, I will not let u down.
Okay, Okay mate, enough, we have a job for u, the keys r on the table over there, to the Nissan Primera (typical Nigerian car), and u r to pick up Mrs Smith on the way to Heathrow airport.
Shit!, thought Femi, all I know is Peckham (a common place in London, where many Nigerians live) in dis
London, how am I supposed to find my way to Heathrow Airport? but he took the job.
Oga, how much is the the job! asked Femi getting excited
£30
£30 already for 45 mins work, now that is what I'm talking about, he thought. Easy money. I go like dis job man, ha! money de come my way!!!!!! All I need to do is follow the instructions and the road signs, it can't be that hard.
He picked up Mrs Smith with no troubles, but getting to the airport was being a problem.
Then b4 he realised it he was going round in circles.
Mrs Smith asked, excuse me young man, u r going the wrong way, I have a flight to catch in an hour's time, can u get a move on.
Then another hour passed by, then the boss called him and was fuming, Femi, where the hell r u, u should be
on your way back to the office.
Femi grew scared as he remebered what the boss had said earlier on about the license.
Mrs Smith, was angry by this time and demanded to be at the airport in the next 30 mins.
Hold on, madam, let me use the telephone box to ask for directions
what!!!! she screamed, dont u know how to get to the airport? How the hell did u land this job in the first
place? That's the problem with u black people, we give u a chance in this country and u dont even try to make an effort. shouting her racist abuse and swearing.
Femi insisted that he will get her to the airport in due time, that she should bear with him.
Madam, I beg, let me just make a phone call to my boss.
To calm her down, he said that take £10 off the cab fare.
No, i'm not paying, your boss will see to that.
Then femi remembered what the boss said earlier on.
okay, okay, b'cos of my good nature, u pay half?
No!
Madam, what will u pay me then?
Nothing!! Look at the time!. I've got one hour to check in.
Okay, I hope u know that u r the one who is robbing me of my money, he said angrily. Okay, I wont charge u, okay? Typical oyinbo, he thought.
So Femi came out of the car to phone for directions to London Heathrow at the phone box.
In his naija accent, "ello, operator, can u put me through to the travelling information line please, I want to get to London Heathrow".
"hold the line...."
opeartor came on
Hello louise speaking, u r through to the travelling information line, how can I help u, please state your destination?
"ello", said femi in his thick african naija accent, "my name is Femi, i need to get to Heathrow Airport, please.
Oh no, she thought, not another one, here we go.
Excuse me sir, can u speak up, there is a bad line..
MY NAME IS FEMI, I NEED TO GET TO THE AIRPORT..
Which airport sir..?
London Heathrow...
Sorry sir, I'm afraid i still cant hear u , can u speak up a bit louder
LONDON HEATHROW AIRPORT, Femi shouted
Sorry sir, I still cant hear u, can u please spell what u r saying
But do u realise that I will be here all day, if I spell each word, he asked
I'm sorry thats the only way I can understand what u r saying, I cant understand u!
Understand or hear me?
Both!!!
Okay, I want to get to L O N D O N H E A T H R O W.
Spell that for me again sir, one word at a time and slowly, so I can write it down.
L For lephant (elephant)
O for 'ouse (house)
N for ngine (engine)
D for dis and dat (this and that)
O for 'ouse (house)
N for ngine (engine)
That's naija style spelling for u, typical JJC.
Meanwhile, 8 hrs later, Mrs Smith caught the next flight, but only after getting another cab.
Femi lost his one and only job.
When he got home, his aunty was waiting for the money.
One week has passed, and u need to pay me some money, where de money? she shouted
Aunty no money o. I had a job, but I lost it due to......
I beg! I dont even want to hear, see u bags over there? Take them and get out now b4 i show u pepper!
But aunty, let me exlain now, give me a chance at least.....
No more chances. Six months and one week is more than enough chances, now take your rubbish and commot of dis house, quick, quick, b4 I show u wahala. Get out now!!! Useless boy.
Femi arrived back in Nigeria the next the day, and guess which airport he used, yes u guessed,
L O N D O N H E A T H R O W !!!!!!!!
Submitted by Sandra F.
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