Old school tales
Almost everyone would relish the thought of rekindling their Secondary/University days. Here are classical old school tales from the archives.
In form one back in Naija, you were so happy to gain entrance into secondary school via the popular common entrance exams. You looked like a midget compared to all the seniors who looked like giants. Back then when a senior in form five asked you to carry his school bag, it seemed as if you were carrying a big luggage.
In the first week, you get to know your classmates and you make one or two friends. All the seniors notice you and decide not to bother you - at least for the first few weeks.
If you were unfortunate to be sent to a boarding school, you really did not envisage what was in store for you. But for an erring child or one whose parents felt he/she needed to be properly disciplined, a boarding school was an inevitable option.
No one really wanted to attend boarding houses then because the seniors were so brutal and merciless, you wished one day that something bad would happen to them. I am quite sure every student back then entertained this thought.
After the first two terms, your parents come visiting for the first time and you were so happy to see them.
One junior student whose parents were visiing from the village was walking alongside his dad when his school mates started hailing him by calling him "Walata", to which the boy gave a thumbs up sign.
His dad wasn't too pleased. Below was the dialogue between father and son.
Father: Mo ri re, hen, Olawale omomi, kini won mi pe o nisin yin? (Translation: My goodness! Wale my son, what did that boy call you now?)
Femi: Walata ni sa. (He called me Walata, sir)
Father: Laakuli! Won mi so o ni Wale, boys mi pe o ni Walata, inu re mi dun, wo mi raise thumb. Asa kaasa. Ki yeye re gbo seni wo mi collapsing. (WHAT! You were christened Wale, yet your friends call you Walata and you are giving a thumbs up sign in acknowledgement. If your mother should hear this, she will surely collapse)
A senior who had previously been mistreating you would smile towards your parents and even speak good about you. You are dumbfounded. You can't possibly counter this view point given to your parents by saying it's all a charade and designed primarily to win your parent's confidence.
Rest assured that once your parent's leave, the senior would revert back to his bad behaviour. He will likely start by asking you to give him half of the "provisions" your parent's brought for you.
During the "war"
This is also referred to the terrible times (i.e. punishment, injustice etc) that seniors/teachers made you go through.
One senior would give you 10k to buy cigarettes, bread onibeji, cooked beans, a cold drink (eyi to ti sewon - very cold) and bring back some change.
Most junior students in the boarding house were subjected to all kinds of maltreatment's.
If you happen to brush past a senior student's dirty bed sheets - just wish you could
disappear into thin air. The senior would ask you to take off all the sheets (sometimes three or four) and wash them. And they had better be clean and neatly folded when you bring them back.
When a Senior needs a junior student to assist in some domestic chores (a nice way of putting it). A senior student will yell: " Omo kan be yen !" - ("I need a junior boy here!.")
Commotion erupts with students scrambling to line up in a queue with the last student normally being chosen. Unfortunately, on some occasions, the first one on the queue is usually picked.
Other forms of discipline include sleeping under a senior's bed till dawn.
In the process, you will be forced to contend with three things that will make you feel extremely uncomfortable
- the senior's loud snoring,
- the giant
mosquitoes eating you alive and
- the fact that your body ached on the floor
making sleep very difficult.
Other seniors expect you to fill a bucket with a teaspoon whilst trekking for some 100 meters to and from the water tap.
Most seniors expect you to fetch them a bucket of water for their bath in the morning. Don't worry, most of them don't have their baths regularly so you won't have to fetch more than ten buckets on a journey that lasts for about two hours before you fetch yours (that is if a senior does not take it from you) and get ready for school.
In all, you can't remember how many buckets you have fetched. Your head starts throbbing. Mind you, you are still in form one. You wonder if its going to be like this till form four.
You start noticing a patch on your head and feel as if you are going bald in your teens.
Still on the water issue, this one happened in the hostels. This school was hit by a week-long water shortage. Students had to trek miles to fetch water. If you had water, you made sure you hid it.
There was this guy - he was sitting on his bed resting after class, preparatory to going to the cafeteria for lunch. As he sat on his bed, a classmate of his came up. This classmate was as thirsty as hell, and as he approached the guy sitting on the bed, he noticed a big blue keg. Aha ...! Water at last! His classmate thought to himself.
Politely, this classmate approached the guy and asked for water to which he received a negative response. Disappointed by his friend's selfish treachery, he walked past him. After a repectable interval, he walked back the way he had come, quickly bent down and grabbed the keg from his friend's bed. --and oh my, it was FULL ... water, sweet water!-- and moved backwards
quickly to avoid being grappled by his friend. Surprisingly the friend just sat there, glum faced and not protesting at all.
Meanwhile, his classmate quickly gulped the contents of the keg and before the guy could heave a sigh of relief by saying "ha! ode be" ------ it spit the entire liquid out so fast in what could accurately be measured as a10 yard distance. The poor guy had drank Kerosene.
When it comes to punishments, the seniors sure can dish them out. They even coined stylish names for them - from "Stood down" to "Mu ciga", "butterfly", "Alaaru", "Bere gbe", "Touch your toes" "hanging on the wall", etc.
Other seniors give you the "South", "North", "West" and "East" treatment. For those of you not versed in this terminology, it means giving you a portion of grass to cut. Feeling inexperienced, (especially if you were an ajebota), your hands develop blisters. "Ijolo" and "Kotounkan" (ants)
trouble you as you work tirelessly away.
One junior boy was told to hand on the wall and planks with nails shooting out of them was placed underneath him, so that when he fell, he will certainly hurt himself badly. The guy hung for what seemed to be an eternity. Then he started crying because his arms were tired and his body ached. He pleaded to be let off to no avail. All the senior guys were jeering him instead.
Then a "good Samaritan" wandered into the class. He was one gigantic guy whom his mates obviously respected.
He saw the poor boy hanging desperately for dear life and asked him to come down. No one dared protest for fear of incurring his wrath. He said the boy could go on one condition. He wanted the boy to answer two questions satisfactorily and afterwards perform a task before he could go. The boy had no choice.
The big fellow asked the boy if he had a pretty sister to which the boy replied no. Next question was did he have any money on him, to which the boy again answered no - that he was going to be picked up by his father's driver. The senior was very angry. He asked him to go to his class by jumping off a four storey building. The poor boy pleaded his case thinking the big fellow must be either mad or sick ( or both ).
The big fellow got really angry when the boy failed to comply with his order saying the boy
would start a new sentence if he continued to disobey him. It was like jumping from frying pan into a fire. Crazy, you would say!.
As you are reading this, you will have conjured the face of a senior student whom you utterly detested. You can remember his name and even his face. Where are they now? And what would you do if you come across one of them today? Say hello, perhaps?
Seniors can be fun sometimes like sending you on an errand to another senior to collect a cream called "arodan" or "omotoyiogbon". You would have gone through 10-15 senior students over a long distance for about an hour before a warm-hearted senior informs you it is all a hoax.
There was this Senior guy whom a teacher was beating ferociously and he did not even move. He was even stating his case to the principal whilst the teacher was busy canning his back. He did not even flinch as he continued talking to the principal - with shouts of "Aawo"("Aawo" in Yoruba means leather. Hence, "aawo" is deemed by students of Igbobi College to represent "bravery" when the offending student does not feel "pain" due to the thick exterior of the famous Khaki uniform) reigning in the background from other on-looking students.
When the teacher saw that this man mountain of a guy did not move, he became tired. The student then looked backed as if to say, "Is that the best you can do, man?". He then dusted the back of his uniform in sheer contempt for the teacher and continued talking to the Principal as if nothing was amiss.
Another story emerged about three senior guys who went into the bush with lanterns late in the night to you know......"download" a lot of "data" As they all settled down to do their thing, they noticed a moving object far away wearing white clothing. Apparently, another senior had gone into the bush alone to do his thing as well wearing a white "Agbada" (robe). The second set thought it was a ghost and all hell broke loose and they made a dash for it - not bothering to clean themselves or picking their lanterns.
It was a case of "Boolo yago funmi" (If you do not intend to run, give way). Meanwhile, the guy wearing "Agbada" dashed after them thinking they were running from an animal or something. When the second set of guys looked back, they were horrified to find that the "ghost" was right up their heels and heading towards their destination - hostel.
The teachers too had their time of day.
There was the story of seniors smashing cups of smoked gari into each other's faces late one night in the boarding house. Unknown to them, a teacher was passing by and noticed their unruly behaviour.
The teacher then knocked on one of the student's room. Thinking it was one of their mates
knocking, this senior opened the door and without looking properly, smashed the cup of gari in the teacher's face.
During a school banquet, it was alleged that one of the Vice Principals, when asking for a tray of sandwiches to be passed to him, said in Yoruba: "E ba mi mu sandbread kan nibeyen" [Could you pass some "sandbread" over there].
There was another teacher who reportedly saw three boys sneaking out of the dormitory one night and said, "1,2,3 both of you come here. Eyin omoyi fe sneak in jade abi? " (You students want to sneak in outside, right?) Note:The real faux pas is the last sentence.
Another one for the archives was when all the senior students were told to shave off their beard before they sat for their sati exams.
Now, there was this senior who was one of those hairy guys. So before the exams started, the teacher moved from row to row to find any student who had flouted this order. He noticed some guys did not bother to shave and he quickly employed the use of the cane.
As the teacher continued his search for culprits, he missed out on this particular senior. Anyone would have thanked his lucky stars, but no, not this senior. He called the teacher back and ran his hands across his face as if to say, "Bobo se you blind? You no see my George Michael type sideburns?".
Of course, the teacher was enraged. He went back to the senior guy and canned him several times on the back and inaudible murmuring of "aawo" could be heard faintly. Yes, as expected, the senior was brave and did not make a single sound whilst being canned. He even pretended to be scribbling something on a piece of paper whilst the teacher was canning him. Some five minutes later when everyone had settled down to start writing their exams, the senior guy started screaming in pain " my body o, ye e".
There was a teacher called Mr Oyediran (Baba Oye for short - renowned for his canning skills - he employs just two strokes of his "pankere" cane on the tip of the bum and the pain would set in for weeks robbing you of the ability to sit down properly) teaching Yoruba and he said anyone who failed to bring their "Efunsetan" text book should stand up. Of course, there was a culprit, named "Omo".
Baba Oye: "Iwe Efunsetan re da?" (Where is your Efunsetan text book?).
Omo: "Mio mu wa sir" (I didn't bring it sir) By now, Omo was shaking visibly.
Baba Oye: "Omu owo onje re wa sa", (Did you bring your dinner money to school?)
Omo: "Beeni sir" (yes sir)
Baba Oye: "Hen, hen, O ranti ati jeun abi ? Bo ayin, Opa pa o je loni" (You
remember you'll have dinner today. You are in big trouble today)
Another juicy one.
Baba Oye was going into one of the jnr classrooms and several boys began to run into their respective classrooms.
One of them said, "Baba Oye is coming". Unfortunately for him, Baba Oye heard him and pulled him over.
Wa ayin (come here) He barked at the boy. Kilo ti pe mi nisiyin" Baba Oye asked the boy. what did u call me now?)
Baba Oye ni sa", the boy said innocently
"Ki loruko Baba re?", Baba Oye asked. (What is your father's name?)
"Oke ni sir"
"Se o le pe Baba re ni Baba Oke?" (can you call your father Baba oke?)
"Rara sir" (no sir)
"Opa pa o je loni"
In between forms 2- 3, some students by now have mastered the art of committing "egun" or "odu" (cheating) during exams. Or better still, there is another one called "bunje" where someone has a sneak preview of the exam questions and passes the information round.
Even if you were a saint, you will not be hesitant to copy the questions. The mother of all "odus" during exams that I heard was when a form five student smuggled in a Stone and Cozen text book during a school cert biology exam. He was seriously doing "justice" to his exam script when from afar, an invigilator saw him and immediately suspected he was cheating. He told him to stand up and was walking towards him.
When the invigilator got to him, the text book had disappeared. The invigilator could not pin anything on him, although he was certain he had been cheating. All he could do was mumble something incoherently. Till this day, no one knows how that book vanished from his lap. One student even sprinkled "werepe" (itchy particles that will make you scratch your skin out
of your bone) on the invigilator on another occasion.
Of course, the invigilator was not privy to this misdemeanour. Moments after the exam started, the invigilator was seen scratching his body furiously. He had to be replaced. By this time, some guys had taken advantage of this and done some serious "dubbing".
This was the "gbasori" (assimilate) years or cramming as it was known. One principal apparently addressed all students when the school exams were looming by saying, "If you read and read and you still can't comprehend, just "gbasori". For those of you who attended the great Igbobi College, you will have become accustomed to this saying.
It's funny. After the results of exam papers are out, all students seem to confer on who did well.
Hear this:
When students score below 55% you will hear remarks like "Won fun mi ni 55% ni sha" (They awarded me 55%)
However, when they score 60% and above, they will say "Man mi, mo gba 70%" (I scored 70%)
It's strange how students used to study in Naija. The pressure from parents to do well and from the school proves to be so much that students will resort to anything to pass. It was like war.
For instance, no matter how well you did at school, someone is likely to come first. Now, if you happen to be seventh in a class of 34. That's not bad is it? Oh No! Our parents who always come first in their school days would say "Just imagine, you came seventh in a class of 34 !. Who was the person that came first? Has he got two heads?" . I wonder what the parents will say if you happened to fail and repeat a class. Little wonder some students refuse to go home when they fail a class.
Back to studying methods. Students burn the midnight oil as if their lives depended on it. Some use "Nescafe", "Kolanut" or drip their legs in a bucket (ala Uni. style of reading) all in a bid to pass their exams. Funny though how some students can study very hard for an exam only to forget some vital information.
It happened to a guy who was about to write an "A Level" European History exam. He chose to write on a German statesman known as Otto Von Bismarck. In fact he knew about Bismarck so well, his classmates nicknamed him Bismarck and they often consulted him whenever they had a problem related to the Unification of Germany. What happened?
On the day of the exam, he started off brightly by giving a brief intro and background on the achievements of Bismarck. After writing about half a page he was stuck on this sentence........"Otto Von Bismarck was born in..................................................................".
He had a complete lapse of memory and tried as he could, he just could not remember the date. What's the point of writing about a statesman if you can't remember the date he was born. He had to cancel the whole paper and chose another question.
The Principal's Cup football competition, the Inter-House sports events, Senior Lit/debating days were also memorable moments to savour.
The "Ofe" or "gun class lobe" (skip classes) days is also worthy of note.
Some students skip classes for anything. To have a uniform party (one guy who wanted to dance to a blues song with a girl got this reply; "Mo fo wo kan mi o. Iye mi ti giyan mi pe ki mo jo lepo - (Please don't touch me o. My mum has instructed me not to dance to close to any man) to camp under a tree and play "Kashi" (gamble). To camp at a fellow student's house and watch films; at a Buka or joint - and just chill out.
One particular student was questioned by his dad's friend who claimed he saw him during school hours smoking Indian Hemp. Here is the dialogue.
Father's friend: "Shina, iwo koni mo ri pelu awon omo ile we e losan ana ti emu igbo" (Didn't I see you smoking hemp with your school mates yesterday afternoon)
Shina: Emi ko sa (It was not me sir)
Father's friend: Hen! Otun pu ro. Mo ni iwo ni. (You are lying. I said I saw you)
Shina: Emi ko sa. (It was not me sir)
Father's friend: Omu igbo tabi omu? (Did you smoke hemp or not?)
Shina: Oti sa. Mio ki mu igbo sir. (I don't smoke hemp sir)
Father's friend:Moni iwo ni mori ti omu igbo. (I said I saw you smoking hemp).
Shina: Lailai, emi ko sa. (It wasn't me sir)
Father's friend: Ma so fun Baba re. Le kan si, omu igbo tabi omu? (You are lying, I will tell your Father. This is your last chance. Did you smoke hemp or not?)
Shina: (hesitantly) Beeni sir (Yes sir)
Father's friend: YEEPARIPA!!! MO KU! SHINA OTIN MU IGBO? (Goodnes gracious me! I'm "dead", Shina! you've started smoking hemp?)
Remember the "Geisha" years - eating eba (sometimes preparing it with cold water) with geisha or beans. Or some weird combos like eating cornflakes with gari, rice with butter, fried eggs with Ogi (pap) and milk. (Some students were so poor in those days one student reportedly used Omo washing powder to brush his teeth. There were some who would ask for food from any student munching anything. This was popularly known as "bunje" and these students were referred to as "Ise" - as in poverty striken!)
You hardly saw anyone eating alone in hostels then because when guys come into your room and see you eating, don't bother saying "Etadi seyin ke wa jeun", (come and join me in eating this meal) they will join you regardless.
A guy reportedly prepared "moin moin" (bean cake) and was about to eat it with soaked gari. He locked himself in his room so that other fellow students wouldn't join him in the act.
Instead of quickly eating the "moin moin", he was still taking his time peeling off the tiny bits stuck on the edges of the leaves. Guess what? His room mate unlocked the room and came in with a group of students. You can imagine our friends dismay when they all joined him in eating his beloved "moin moin".
Dinner in the hostels was also fun - the power shows between the seniors who wanted more rations and the fights that ensued afterwards.
Prep nights was also enforced. And the waking up everyday at dawn when a Prefect wades into the hostel at 5am cracking a whip and shouting "EVERYBODY WAKE UP", is also a notable reminder.
On weekends, when you intend to catch up on lost sleep late in the afternoon, a senior comes round to wake you up to fetch water for his bath. Bless him, he had been playing football all day and needed a bath. You felt like hitting him or heaping abuse on him. Worse still, you wonder when you are going to get to be a senior as the years look so distant.
In the same vein, you pray the senior falls into the habit of repeating his class so that you can catch up with him and call his bluff . After all, you will be "classmates" then.
The Uni. years - still during the war
Getting into Uni. then was usually via Jamb or Direct Entry. But it was always a struggle meeting the cut off mark. Even if you did, the infamous saying of "It is not what you know but whom you know" before you can gain entry always rang a bell.
Anyway, being a "Jambite" in the first year of prelims was a feeling of nervousness and excitement as well. If you were a
man, the first priority was to check out the babes - "the fresh meats"- (apologies to all women) and like a predator monitoring its prey, you move in for the kill.
Equally, if you were female, well er.....em , they were probably more interested in the sophisticated attires - "AWAY baffs", "Itele" - they were wearing whilst comparing it to others.
Uni. was fun. These was the era when Ben Bruce Productions brought the "Shalamars", "The Whispers", "Dynasty", Evelyn King, Ralph Cameron, Kool and the Gang - Farabale pelu awon osere re -, and "Lakeside" to campuses.
Dizzy K. Falola, Ipitombi, Osibisa and Ofege also reigned supreme in those days.
Beauty contests and Student Union elections was also fun. Remember the boos when an aspirant gets up stage and seeks to woo the audience with big grammar. Notable campus clubs like the Kegites, Jaycees, Buccaneers, Pirates to mention just a few ruled back then.
Then the gyration season started.
One club from a reputable Uni. went to the East for a gyration gig. They were travelling by coach in the middle of the
night with nothing in sight and suddenly everyone was feeling really hungry. As fate would have it, they saw a light in the distance. It was a "Bukataria". They all alighted and quickly ordered the available food on the menu. After the meal, one guy jokingly asked the owner of the "Bukataria" a question.
Guy: Una, I hear say dem dey chop "404" (Dog) for East here. I know wan chop o, I just wan know if una dey chop am for this area.
Owner: Ah, my broda. You do well. We dey chop am well well. Even sef, na the last one wey we get na hin I serve all of una.
People, the guy's face turned blue. And there was a shocked expression on everyone's face. Our friend was sickened by what he heard that he vomited everything he ate.
This is another beauty.
For those of you who went to the great Ife, some of you might recall a guy named "Agbako" (means calamity in Yoruba). (Obviously, this is not his real name. But apparently, a fellow student went to his house and said he was asking for "Agbako". You can imagine the response he got).
This was on another gyration night. This group of students were all travelling in the middle of the night when they decided to stop and have a breather. Someone suggested they have a bonfire, and before you knew it everyone was taking part in "bebe be kole be". Everyone was jumping from one end of the fire to the other end. The fire had not blazed to the sky so anyone who wanted to jump could still see people on the other side. Now "Agbako" was known in "ogba" (Campus) for boasting that he had powerful charms and that he could do things with them. For some reason, everyone believed him.
Anyway, by this time, the fire had really blazed skywards. Now, "Agbako" prepared to jump over the fire to the other side in just about the same time another guy had prepared to do same from the other side. (Remember, they can't now see each other). By the time both of them jumped, "afi gbosa" - they both collided in the middle of the bonfire and passed out. People
outside knew something had happened when none of them came out of the fire.
Afterwards, the guy who collided with "Agbako" came out of the fire feeling very dizzy, leaving "Agbako" in the middle of the bonfire. After several minutes, there was no "Agbako". Everyone became worried, with the exception of one guy who reminded them no to forget that "Agbako" had supernatural powers and maybe he was testing them. The guy's actual words were, "Efi sile. Agbako n' pidan ni". So they left him.
Several minutes passed, no "Agbako". Everyone's suspicion grew and they decided to drag "Agbako" out of the bonfire. Lucky they did, because "Agbako" had completely passed out and was suffering serious burns to his body. He did his exams on the hospital bed.
This was at gig in one of the campuses and the MC alongside a Yoruba interpreter cracked this joke.
MC: I welcome you all to the social event we having this evening.
Interpreter: Gbogbo yin ni mo ki.
MC: As you are aware, we need to raise funds for the project we have earmarked for this year.
Interpreter: Gege bi ese mo, I need lati tu owo jo fun eto ti afe se lodun yi.
MC: In addition, we need people to come forward with ideas of how to make the project a success.
Interpreter: Afe ki awon eniyan gbe idi won wa si waju ki eto na le yo ri si rere.
MC: No matter how small or big your ideas are, bring them forward.
Interpreter: Iba je idi nla tabi idi kekere, egbe wa si waju wa.
MC: Even if your ideas are half-baked, it does not matter.
Interpreter: Iba je idi to bu, ko se nkan kan.
MC: When you bring your ideas forward, we shall then examine them one after the other.
Interpreter: Ti e ba gbe idi na wa si waju, a o si ye won wo lokan kan.
MC: Don't be ashamed to come forward with your ideas. You may have the best idea and not know it.
Interpreter: Ema se je ki oju ti yin. Osese ki eni idi to da ki e ma funra.
MC: Morever, we'll back up your ideas with hard work which will produce promising results.
Interpreter: Ada yin loju pe a o ledi moyin pelu ise ase karakara. Esi rere yi o si jade nbe.
MC: Once we have utilised the best ideas, the our project can then take off.
Interpreter: Ti a ba ti lo awon idi to dara, ise wa ma gbera nle.
MC: We intend to set up committees and your ideas will be spread though them.
Interpreter: Ibadiaran egbe ti a yan.
MC: Finally, your ideas will go a long way to help this project.
Interpreter: Ibadi yin arin jina lati muse waya
MC: Remember, we value your ideas a great deal.
Interpreter: E ranti pe, aferan idi yin pupo pupo.
MC: Thank you for your cooperation.
Interpreter: Ese pupo.
If this was all fun. The war had really just begun and "let my people go" became a popular saying.
Student resits during semesters was very common. Repeating the whole year was common too. In fact there were cases where students spend up to seven years in Uni. studying for a course that only required three years..
Lecturers lusting after the girls - the end result of which will mean a good grade for the girl concerned. And if the girl refuses to play ball, it won't take a brain surgeon to work out why she keeps failing the lecturer's subject. And if you happen to be a student who was going out with the girl, God help you if the lecturer finds out.
Students union clashes with the authorities. The "Alimongo" years - led by Segun Okeowo. Adegoke Adelabu's gaffe when he was asked by a reporter, "What do you think is the cause of students' unrest?". He replied by saying, "Unrest? How can students' rest? They are suppose (sic) to be studying but they are causing trouble".
Aluta continua..................
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